I have a secret.
I'm divorced.
The church tends to look at divorced individuals as broken artifacts needing repair. Some churches pretend we don't exist; they place us in a pretty curio cabinet for an undetermined "healing process" because they're not sure how we fit into their concept of acceptable Christian social status. Some churches think a little bit of "counseling" and "group therapy" will be the glue that puts our broken lives back together and we should just jump back into life as if nothing happened. Some churches are so uneasy about seeing a single man or woman in the church that they deem themselves as divine matchmakers with a holy cause to seek out a future spouse (because, after all, it's only biblical that a man or woman should be serving the Lord with their soulmate - Where's that scripture reference, again?)
I've experienced all these reactions, and more.
I was a pastor's wife, and a missionary. Everyone knew that our relationship was tense and unbalanced, but no one knew how to ask me about it.
No one saw the bruises that covered my arms and stomach. No one knew the pain that I carried of losing two children to the violence. No one heard the names that I carried in the depths of my soul, or the filth that I saw in the mirror when I looked at the woman who didn't fight back.
No one saw the pornography, or the emails, or the videos. No one heard my cries to God when I realized I wasn't the only woman who shared my husband's heart. No one knew of the nights that I spent alone in my bed, wondering if this would be the night he would leave (and feeling guilty because I wanted him to leave).
And no one expected the day that I decided that enough was enough and stood up for myself, which included walking away from my marriage of six years and finding help and shelter; or my guilt-ridden relief when, just a month after our divorce, following a short 4-month separation, he proposed to her. Someone finally knew.
Divorced individuals are not broken artifacts. They cannot be cured by group therapy and counsel sessions. They don't need sanctified dating services.
You won't convince them that life as they know it has not ended. You can't make them better. You can't force them to move on.
But you can love them.
In the past four years, I have been incredibly blessed to be surrounded by a loving church who embraced me just how I was: broken, sad, hurting, confused, and leery of trusting of anyone. They didn't try to counsel me out of my depression, or shake me out of my singleness. They just loved me, and accepted me.
People don't need to be fixed.
They need Jesus.
Jesus was my Savior, but I needed a fresh encounter with Him; I knew Him as my Savior, but I needed to know Him as my lover. Jesus met me face-to-face right where I was; He saw my brokenness and still wanted me. That's when I knew that I had a Husband who would never leave. I knew that I had a future. I knew that I was loved. I felt that love through my church, my friendships, my family, and intimacy with my Creator. As I fell more in love with Jesus, I began to heal; and as I began to heal, I began to dream; and as I began to dream, I began to live.
Praise God, after 4 years of being single, I am alive. I know who I am again. The road hasn't been smooth - there've been some pebbles and even boulders along the way - but Jesus has led me by the hand through to the other side.
My future has already been written by my Creator, and each day He narrates it to me a little more. I found that I am confident, and independent, and I work in a career that I love. I figured out that God has anointed me to preach, and teach, and the doors He has opened for me to use that anointing for His glory are humbling. God has brought a wonderful Godly man into my life and we're dreaming together and looking forward to the life God is building for us.
Stop trying to fix people. It will never work. Do your job, and let the Holy Spirit do His. Just love people and God will do the rest. Love them unconditionally: no matter what they can do for you; even if they are unlovable; even if they refuse to come to your church; even if they never give a cent to your tithes and offerings; even when they refuse to hear your admonitions and counsel; even if it seems they aren't changing. Change is slow, but for the broken heart, love is the best remedy. Your love will lead them to Jesus, and He will mold their brokenness into something beautiful and whole that fits perfectly with the story He has written for their lives.
