I like to be on the go. I like to move. I love basketball because I can run. I like driving fast (my local City Police know me by name). I absolutely tasks that challenge me and force me to learn and grow.
That same drive is why I adore the work that God has allowed me to do for His kingdom over the last three years: training teachers, raising up and organizing ministries, consulting as an event planner, and community outreach coordination.
In the summer of 2013, God began to speak to my heart and prepare me for a coming change in pace... and I balked.
In my prayer time with the Lord, I pounded my fists internally and kicked my feet against the doors of heaven like a little toddler. I had some open, honest, heart-wrenching discussions with my heavenly Father about how comfortable I was with the pace I was leading. I was not looking forward to a lull. I had experienced "lulls" in my life before and I wasn't fond of them.
See, a curious thing happens when you let your professional life overtake your personal life: when the profession isn't there, you forget who you are. And I didn't want to lose the person I had found over the last three years. I had learned to be confident, independent, and assertive: natural qualities about myself that, due to circumstances in life, I had forgotten I possessed, and now I associated them with what I did, not with who I was.
So when God said, "It's time to stop," I just kept on rolling.
The curious thing about God is that He's gracious and merciful, even when we're disobedient; but in the end, what He says goes.
I knew that my trip to Mexico last autumn would be my last ministry-related trip for a while. I had come to terms with that fact. I even started talking about it openly.
What I did not expect was the heart change that God began to forge within me. The Holy Spirit guided me into territory I had never preached about before, but for which I have always been incredibly passionate: local missions, social justice, lifestyle worship, and life-long discipleship. Although I was in Mexico for Children's Ministries, God was redirecting my passions.
As I quietly observed the changes in my heart and life, I wondered what the future would hold.
When I returned to the states, I was slapped with hard reality: an immediate need for an apartment, a steady job, a stack of late bills, and serious car repairs. Whether I liked it or not, change was going to happen.
We are always so keen to hear God say "go," but we are much less attentive to His voice when He says, "Stop."
Four consecutive training conferences were cancelled in less than a month an a half because of circumstances out of my control. If I wouldn't listen, God was going to make sure that He had my attention.
At first, I felt like I was in a game of Monopoly. I remember one particular time as a little girl when I was traumatized because I couldn't pass "GO", couldn't collect $200, and had to go to "jail." This felt like jail to me. I was without direction. I had no idea what was going to come next. I had no control. Worst of all, I wasn't moving. I was at a standstill, and I had no idea what to do.
In her blog "While On This Side," my friend Bridgette says it best:
"I couldn’t see that I was getting dulled down, becoming worn out, and losing my balance. But God saw. He knew I was out of breath chasing the wind. He knew I was exhausted trying to [balance] an unbalanced scale by... standing under the heaviest side [and attempting to hold it up]. He knew I needed tranquility. “Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” Ecclesiastes 4:6 ... Coming to terms with living an unexamined and imbalanced life, isn’t always easy."
Recently a friend asked me, "Why do you have to know what's going to happen tomorrow? Just enjoy the fact that you have today. God will work out the rest." It was a simple statement, one that I had often made to others; but it's harder to take your own advice than to dish it out.
So, I'm taking it one day at a time, and as I do so, God is putting all the pieces together. I'm moving into my new apartment this weekend. I've started a steady job. I've been blessed with the money to fix my car, and I'm on a plan to pay off those bills.
As far as the ministry goes, I still don't know what God's plan is, but I think part of the "balance" that I need to work on in my life is to learn to be "me" with no strings attached: no ministry, no professional protocol, no social expectations. Just, ME.
The lesson I am learning: Life is to be lived, not managed. So don't waste the present with worry. Enjoy every moment, and trust the author of your story - even through you don't know how the novel will play out, He's already written it! So, let Him guide you through this wonderful story called life.
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